We all have that one friend who seems effortlessly decisive, the one who makes choices without hours of agonizing over whether they made the right decision. I’m sure you know the type. I have a friend like that, a real superstar who constantly inspires me. But when I visited her recently, she looked tired. When I asked how she was, she admitted she hadn’t been sleeping well. She’d spent the previous night reflecting on her life choices, especially those she regretted or might do differently, given the chance again.

I was really surprised. She is usually so self-assured and decisive, the kind of person who has no regrets, who never looks back. When I gently pushed her on it, she admitted to a number of sleepless nights recently, finding herself awake in the early hours, looking back on her life.

That got me thinking about my clients with similar issues. What keeps us awake at night replaying our past decisions and asking ourselves ‘’what if?’’

Most of us have been through something similar, but why?   

The science of rumination

Our need to ruminate is in our DNA. It comes down to that inbuilt quest for survival and self-protection. It’s about making sure we’re acceptable to members of our ‘’tribe’’, that we don’t agitate our fellow travelers and we behave appropriately. Some theories even suggest that rumination helped us to retrace our steps when we lost a tribe member. Today, with our smartphones and satnavs, it’s impossible to imagine what life would have been like back then.

But our brains still carry those inbuilt habits and if we’re not careful, we endlessly replay the past in our minds, wonder what we might have done differently and generally feel bad about ourselves.

Responding to the tap on the shoulder

Here’s a simple exercise for you to try when you feel that nudge, or tap on your shoulder from your past, reminding you of your past ‘’mistakes’’. It’s an exercise that I regularly use to overcome those negative voices:

• Acknowledge it. When a negative thought or memory surfaces, don’t fight it. Instead, ask the question “Yes, I remember. What lesson are you trying to teach me here so I can make better choices in the future?” It might be making better choices in relationships or remembering to breathe before you make a decision.
• Listen to the lesson. Imagine putting the memory in a mental box, like a Home Depot moving box, taping it down. Take out the tape and wrap it securely, as you would a long distance parcel to be mailed cross country. Then leave it on the shelf of your mind, the furthest away, out of reach.
• Walk away. Let the box gather dust. You’re not erasing the memory, you’re choosing not to let it dominate your thoughts.

I know this isn’t easy and there is an element of repression in it, but it’s not repression in a harmful sense. It’s using repression in a way that enables you to focus on the positive and preserve your energy for your present. So when I see that box on the shelf I push it right to the back, and forget it ever happened.

I am also aware that doesn’t sound very therapeutic, but if I cling to the voices that remind me how badly I got it wrong, it saps my energy and I feel worse. It’s a shadow and although I’m not going to get rid of it, I’m definitely not going to let it absorb me anymore.

I would recommend that you try the same thing when that tap on your shoulder wakes you in the middle of the night. If you feel the need to listen to it again, tap into the part of you that knows how to push the box even further back.

Creating a new habit

Be patient with yourself. Changing our ingrained behaviors can take time. It’s estimated that a new habit takes around 30 days to become fully part of our mindset or our lives. But over time, the energy we spend on regret can be redirected to our present, helping us to feel calmer and more satisfied with life. It will also help us to put an end to those sleepless nights.

I encourage you to try it and let me know how it goes over time. Good luck.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

• Phone: 619-318-5012
• Email: [email protected]