Nicole Weiss

Be More Codependant

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Why we need to be more co-dependent

There’s a certain type of client who comes to me with a very specific issue they wish to resolve.

Co-dependency.

The image these clients present to the world is a passive one, but that’s far from the truth. Their need to be less dependent is usually linked to just one person or one relationship but what surprises them is my response to their ‘problem’, which goes something like this:

“What I really want is for you to become dependent on way more people”.

This sounds at odds with our individualistic, egocentric culture but let’s take a walk back in time.

Co-dependency is in our DNA

For the thousands of years humans have been on earth, we have lived together, normally in groups of around 30 to 100. Within those groups were smaller clusters, subgroups of people who remained highly dependent on each other. They learned to co-operate in order to survive.

Today, in theory, we don’t need our ‘subgroup’ to survive. We’re conditioned to be self-sufficient. But depending on others is in our DNA, it’s an inbuilt instinct passed onto us in through the generations.

That makes it hard, maybe impossible, to “unlearn” something that was once essential to our very survival.

So my gentle question to all of us is: within reason, why fight this natural urge? We feel safer when we’re connected to each other on an authentic level. It’s how we are made, how we thrive.

Back to my client.

The task is really to connect to more people on a deep, authentic level. That signals to our brains that we are not relying on a single person or relationship to meet our often complex needs.

And it helps in other areas too.

The woman who comes to me and says her boyfriend hates to hear about her issues with people at work learns that her new friend is not only happy to listen but suggests creative solutions. While she takes a bike ride with her neighbor in the afternoon, her boyfriend can schedule a workout.

You get the point. Multiple connections mean we aren’t placing unrealistic expectations and pressure on that one person to meet all our needs.

Finding strength in connection

What I also notice is that connecting and depending on more people makes us fiercely independent. It’s because we know we always have options. That confidence helps us to recognize and accept that each person has their own limitations (and strengths, of course) – and that’s OK.

We can also learn that we ourselves have limits (and of course, strengths) and be honest about it.

For example, I may not be of much help when you’re packing your boxes to move to a new home, but I am happy to bring over a meal or watch your kids while you focus on the practical tasks. In a group of people, everyone can pitch in based on their own talents and capabilities.

But if you are counting on only one person, disappointment will be inevitable. That disappointment risks making them feel inadequate or ‘less than’ and they pull away.

Co-dependence on one person unrealistic and therefore bound to fail.

My advice to you all is:

  • Build out a pack. You will feel confident, accepting and independent (oddly enough). Studies also suggests that you will live longer if you are socially connected!
  • Start today! Strike up conversations with your neighbors, co-workers and the people you encounter at the grocery store. Be known and know people.
  • Help others before you help yourself. It’s one of the best ways to establish good will and trust.
  • Reconnect with relatives and old friends.

Create a constellation of connections and say goodbye – and hello – to co-dependency.

XO,
Nicole

 

 

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissBe More Codependant
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Honor the absent

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A few years ago I decided out of the blue while on vacation in Kauai that our whole family would attend an Ash Wednesday mass to mark the beginning of Lent. I knew it could go either way.  These services rely on a priest who understands how to gently hold everything together which isn’t always the reality.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissHonor the absent
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The 2 Common DATING TRAPS Women Fall Into

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Successful women often fall into one of two similar traps.   But the good news is that you can get out of these traps.  First, let’s take a look at them and how they work.

  1. “If only I worked hard enough  Trap
  2. I don’t need anyone  Trap

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissThe 2 Common DATING TRAPS Women Fall Into
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One of the reasons I haven’t written in a while is because I’ve been feeling the limitations of different ideas

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I’ve not written for a while. Like all of us trying to come up with different topics and angles for blog content, I’ve felt like I reached my limits for new ideas.

This week threw me for a loop though. A client who I’ve been working with for only a short time called to let me know how much the work we’ve been doing together has helped her.  In my work I have to say that isn’t unusual to hear but I’ve seen a huge change in this particular client.

And this experience has finally inspired me to write again

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissOne of the reasons I haven’t written in a while is because I’ve been feeling the limitations of different ideas
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Emotional Turbulence

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We boarded the plane, content, suntanned and happy, full of positive emotions and two weeks of great memories. As we fastened our seatbelts the pilot warned us to expect a few bumpy moments after take-off.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissEmotional Turbulence
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Life and Work

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I follow a lot of business blogs and although I enjoy them, I see a nonstop necessity to go at full speed. In reality, in my work as a therapist and coach who mostly focuses on emotions, I realize that we are often limited by things that happen in our daily lives.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissLife and Work
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New Year’s Resolution

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Today, my daughter asked me what my New Year’s resolution was. I told her I would like to be calmer and truth be told this was a resolution that I made several times last year. In 2017 I was trying to be calmer, or to put it another way, clinically-manage my frustration tolerance better. I improved but not as much as I wanted to. I think the reason for my failure was that I hadn’t fully embraced why I lose my cool.I hadn’t fully accepted that I use frustration to avoid being direct.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
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Getting Out of Your Own Way

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Don’t let who you are stop you from being what you could be. -Jordan Peterson

It’s the little things that can make a big difference in preventing us from achieving our goals in life.

What is that little thing that you do that stops you from getting to where you want to be? For most of us, it’s more than one area that holds us back from fulfilling our potential.

How can you work on that today?

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissGetting Out of Your Own Way
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Good is Good

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A client made this for me after a recent session. She was describing how work and life were going well but, you know, everything could be better. So I replied to her good is good.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissGood is Good
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Acceptance (or the Art of Loving Our Imperfect Selves)

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All due respect to Elton John, but I’ve found acceptance—not ‘sorry’—seems to be the hardest word.

We crave it on an almost cellular level—in fact, our very existence was once tied to acceptance from our tribe. Today, we seek it all the wrong places from the size of our paycheck to our number of “likes” on Facebook. We search for it from strangers and spouses alike. We try to fill our acceptance vacuum with everything from boxed wine and Netflix to spin class and Xanax.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

  • Phone: 619-318-5012
  • Email: nicolecard@gmail.com
Nicole WeissAcceptance (or the Art of Loving Our Imperfect Selves)
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