Successful women often fall into one of two similar traps. But the good news is that you can get out of these traps. First, let’s take a look at them and how they work.
- “If only I worked hard enough” Trap
- “I don’t need anyone” Trap
The “If only I work hard enough” Trap:
When you want a good grade you work hard by figuring out what the teacher wants and then studying hard. You focus, figure out a game plan, then you play it well. But if you apply that same approach to dating, you will find yourself in a situation where you are figuring out the guy, wondering what he likes, trying to be what he wants, and ultimately becoming what he wants-because you are probably that good. However when the man decides he is not interested in you — or maybe he never was — you may find yourself working harder to be even better at being what you think he wants. Yet often in dating, ironically the harder you work, the more the man will back off.
Q: Why doesn’t working harder create success with men?
A: Because most likely you are not truly acting like yourself. On the contrary, you are playing a game that includes an attempt at changing yourself. While I am all about self-improvement, you should not have to become someone radically different to be in a relationship. In fact the hard truth is that it never works (at least in a long term sense) to do so.
The “I Don’t Need Anyone” Trap
This type of woman is so good, so competent and successful that they feel no true need for another person. There are times when this is actually the case. Some women truly don’t want or need a man in their life. This can be tempting because if we communicate no attachment to people around us it gives us the false security that we don’t actually need these people. But most women I work with, truly want to connect to another person and would like to explore the possibility of a long term commitment.
The issue then becomes that everything about them emanates: “I don’t need anyone!” If you have fallen into this trap you may be telling men in no uncertain terms that you don’t truly want or need them.
Q: Why isn’t it attractive to be independent or self-sufficient?
A: It can be attractive. Very attractive. Yet unfortunately, sometimes this way of being attracts the kind of person who doesn’t want an interdependent long term relationship. Being with someone who seemingly has no needs can be attractive when you feel you are weighed down by life, thinking about cheating or don’t want to truly care for anything else in your life in a deep or meaningful way. You can (and should) still be independent and self-sufficient – yet you probably still do have needs. Its okay to own and share that side of you as well.
Bottom line: If you are seeking a long term commitment or marriage, the man will want to feel as if he too contributes to the team.
Nicole C Weiss LCSW
- Phone: 619-318-5012
- Email: [email protected]