Are you still looking back at your past relationship?
You know how… when you can’t resist taking a quick look at your ex’s social media profile and see what they’re up to… how they’ve coped without you? … and you feel … well…. either happy for them because you’re doing just fine in your own life and you genuinely want them to succeed… or, let’s be honest .. jealous?
There’s a certain type of client who comes to me with a very specific issue they wish to resolve.
The image these clients present to the world is a passive one, but that’s far from the truth. Their need to be less dependent is usually linked to just one person or one relationship but what surprises them is my response to their ‘problem’, which goes something like this:
“What I really want is for you to become dependent on way more people”.
This sounds at odds with our individualistic, egocentric culture but let’s take a walk back in time.
A few years ago I decided out of the blue while on vacation in Kauai that our whole family would attend an Ash Wednesday mass to mark the beginning of Lent. I knew it could go either way. These services rely on a priest who understands how to gently hold everything together which isn’t always the reality.
So this is what we did. It is what we do. We spent all day making the massa sovada, the bread of my ancestors. We baked it the way my dad’s mom had, which she had learned from her mom, and her mom had likely learned from hers. The recipe has changed a little, but with so few ingredients, it remains pretty similar. We do this to connect to my grandma. By connecting to her we connect with each other (which was her biggest passion anyway).
I will forgive myself for behaving badly in my 20’s while I was trying to figure out who I was. I wasn’t a big party person but I was a know it all.
I thought I understood boundaries and relationships but now I know that I was mostly being an asshole (and a teeny bit judgemental). I forgive myself because at the time they were the best decisions I knew how to make.
I am not an asshole anymore and I have learned. It’s time to forgive myself.