Even change you’ve worked for, hoped for, planned for.

.. and change is usually good and always inevitable.

A coaching client of mine recently graduated from an MBA program and secured a top-notch job. But far from feeling on top of the world, he messaged to ask me why he felt so bad.

He was questioning himself. Had he soaked up all that college and grad school had to offer? Had he spent his time in New York wisely? Had he immersed himself in the city, living as a true ‘’New Yorker’’, or had he missed out on opportunities?

This is someone who was desperate to get back to his family and friends in LA. He missed the Pacific coast his whole time in New York.

Now he’s landed a job he thought was out of his league, has a complex case of ‘’buyer’s remorse’’ and refuses to tell anyone – because who is going to feel bad for him?

Change begins with grief

A few years back I had a similar thing happen.

I experienced intense and uncomfortable regret for a change I knew was a positive thing, but I didn’t feel that way. To help me understand my emotions, I bought 3 books on transition and change. After reading all 3 (I don’t remember the titles) the one message I pulled from all of them was this:

All Change Begins With Grief.

(By change, I don’t mean the unwanted and terrible tragedies that tear lives apart, they are beyond words).

When I distilled my reading to that phrase, I became calmer, more grounded. I already knew from experience that change was inevitable and usually good ….so I added

…All Change Begins with Grief and Change is Usually Good and Always Inevitable.

It became my mantra. Every time I experienced the pang of grief, or regret, or buyer’s remorse, every time I over-analyzed my life choices or mourned missed opportunities, I repeated:

….All change begins with grief and change is usually good and always inevitable.

Each time I said those words I felt stronger…like I do in my weekly weightlifting classes. I slowly build strength even when I don’t want to feel what I am feeling…but I’m always glad I made the effort afterwards.

So what happened to my client?

He is thriving in LA…. he has a great relationship and gets to go for regular Sunday dinners at his parents’ house (which he loves). It turned out that the job, although a great first job, wasn’t the best fit for him, so he switched to a different path than he originally planned.

And with that change, those feelings crept up again. We booked an emergency session, carried out a recap of why he was feeling that way – and away he went. Now he loves his job and is happy with all the changes. But it took time.

Working with him inspired me to seek out more insights on change.

Annie Duke’s best seller Thinking in Bets addresses the problem of looking back on your life with regret. Often, we don’t take into consideration what we knew at the time. And how sometimes, even if things subsequently don’t work out, it was still the right decision to make.

For example, my client accepting a job he didn’t like ultimately forced him to face that his career plan wasn’t aligned with his skill set the way he thought it was. A few degrees over from what he planned was a career that suited him and his temperament better. But without making that first decision, it might have taken him longer to get to where he is today.

As you move forward, try to make smart decisions, and know that you may feel grief even if it’s the right decision, … but remember that All change begins with grief. And change is normally good and always inevitable.

Need support navigating your journey through change? Reach out to me.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

• Phone: 619-318-5012
• Email: [email protected]