One thing I regularly hear from clients who move to San Diego, which applies to any new city, is how hard it is to make meaningful connections, or build an authentic community.

In today’s world of 24/7 connectivity, we might think the easiest thing in the world is to make new friends. So why is it so difficult?

It’s in our DNA

Humans didn’t evolve in frenetic cities alongside millions of strangers. We evolved in small groups, tribes of maybe 30, 60 or 90 people. Strangers were rare. When they showed up, it often signalled danger, conflict, or even death.

So that’s why our nervous systems are wired to be on alert around unfamiliar people. It’s not that you’re bad at making friends, it’s your body literally protecting you. If you’re an extrovert, you might feel comfortable introducing yourself in new social circles, where others might feel more guarded, suspicious or anxious. If that sounds familiar, your brain may even view a new social situation as one where you’re at risk of potential harm.

Whoever you are, at some level, we all carry social anxiety (and if it’s sometimes excruciating, I hear you!) Here are my tips for the next time you find yourself in that place:

Step One: Forgive Yourself

Forgiving yourself is important in every area of your life. If you feel nervous about introducing yourself or meeting new people, it’s your DNA doing its job. But that doesn’t make your situation any easier. If you feel anxiety creeping in when you’re speaking to someone new, forgive yourself for experiencing that reaction, take a breath and remind yourself that you’re safe. Give yourself permission to move forward slowly and gently and know that it’s OK. Let’s be honest, the whole ‘getting to know strangers’ thing isn’t something many of us are good at, even those living in big cities who are used to meeting people.

Step Two: Be Patient

Bonding with someone is rarely instant. Be patient with yourself. At first, someone you meet may simply be an acquaintance. Over time, with regular interactions, they may become a real friend.

Step Three: Building your social skills

Take steps to brush up on your social skills. Ask questions to start a conversation, and share anecdotes about your life in return. That doesn’t mean revealing your deepest secrets. What I mean is sharing a fun story, or even a moment of embarrassment, that shows you’re able to gently laugh at yourself.  In doing so you give others permission to share some of their awkward moments and build trust.

Sometimes, it’s the simplest details that spark connection. Maybe you both follow the same sport, even if you don’t support the same team, or you’ve both binge watched the latest show on Netflix. Shared interests are great conversation starters and prevent conversations from slipping into something resembling an interrogation or interview.

A Final Reflection

If you’ve just arrived in San Diego, or any new city, it’s natural to feel anxious or lonely, but it doesn’t mean you’re getting it wrong. It means you’re human. Give yourself time and practice your social skills, but most of all be kind to yourself and remember, staying safe around strangers is in your DNA.

Like anything in life, genuine friendships take time, care and connection.

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

• Phone: 619-318-5012
• Email: [email protected]