When your teen’s “Lasts” hit hard

Standing on the sidelines cheering my daughter at her soccer game yesterday, it hit me. This is probably her last year of playing for this team. And with that realization I started to think about the year ahead.

• The last field hockey game (and the walking down with our senior).
• The last high school soccer game.
• The last day of school, and graduation.

While I’m incredibly grateful that her life is going so well, my eyes well up at the prospect of all those upcoming ‘’lasts.’’

From firsts to lasts

Life is a progression. I know this on a rational level. We want our loved ones to evolve, to fulfill their potential, to become all they are capable of being. But change is a funny thing. I remember my daughter’s first sleep over, facing the empty bedroom the next day. Of course I was proud of her for doing the overnight, but it was still a wrench that I didn’t see her face that first morning.

And now we’re onto the bigger stuff.

How do we as parents celebrate our teens’ accomplishments and milestones while acknowledging the grief it causes us?

Finding possible in the pain

If we do life ‘’right’’, change happens naturally. Let’s look at the opposite side of the issue. How would you feel if your child was stuck, or couldn’t move forward? That is far worse, and it can and does happen. If this isn’t where you are now, then I encourage you to be grateful.

I want you to think about two aspects:

• Think about what is possible today: watching the soccer game or attending a ceremony.
• Focus on what is possible tomorrow: visiting college, forging an adult relationship with your child. How does that feel?

Often, we focus only on what we are ‘’losing’’, rather than consider the alternative.

It’s not that we want to keep our kids forever young and dependent. That’s neither possible, nor is it healthy or ideal (as most parents would agree). Our choice is between supporting the launch of our children’s new lives, while acknowledging the grief of a life lived well.

Choose your phrase

I am reading a great book right now called The 5 Types of Wealth by Sahil Bloom. In one exercise he asks the reader to create a phrase to curate your choices around. After scrapping numerous phrases, I came up with this: “I will have a good relationship with my adult kids.” But the exercise didn’t totally make sense until I applied it.

• What would a parent who wants a good relationship with their adult kids do during the last year of a soccer team?
• What choices would someone who wants a good relationship with their adult children make when planning for college?

You can see how it helps to clarify your choices. And the interesting part is that it brings the focus back to what I am responsible for. I need to pivot from identifying mostly as a parent to becoming an individual again. Keep in mind that it is a process, not an instant switch. I’ve started playing pickle ball, continued to kayak, and started weight classes.

You see, taking responsibility for yourself also eases the strain on your kids. They need to know that you will be okay without them as much as you need to know that they will be okay without you.

So, when the sadness creeps in, ask yourself: what are you doing to live your own life?

“Adulting” can be fun

One of things that has been important to me as a parent is to make adulting look like fun to my kids, because I want to give them something to aspire to. Think about it, things seem like fun when they are in balance.

What I mean by that is, when we practice responsibility and balance it with fun. That can be anything from building a fulfilling career, hobbies you enjoy, or even creating a friend group where you forge connections with people who want what is best for you (and you for them).

Are you doing this for yourself? I always tell my clients that one of the best things they can do for loved ones is to take care of themselves. To practice self-love. Not in a selfish or hedonistic sense, but in a balanced way. Because when you are taking care of yourself, your loved ones don’t have to.

But don’t forget to have fun. Showing your kids that being a responsible adult also means have fun is part of our parental responsibility.

So back to the beginning…and my phrase.

When the pain of change comes, I will focus on the phrase: I am someone who will have a good relationship with my adult children. In practical terms it means:

• I’ll acknowledge the grief I feel as they grow up and at the same time support their growth.
• I’ll focus on maintaining a healthy, balanced and happy life.
• As they develop, we’ll build an adult relationship together.

I can’t think of a better outcome, can you?

Oh, and I still have another kid to focus on for a couple of years after my daughter’s ‘’lasts’’. So stay tuned….when he reaches his senior year, my response – and my blog – might be a little more intense. 😊

Nicole C Weiss LCSW

• Phone: 619-318-5012
• Email: [email protected]